I don't feel like I ever had much of an idea of how the whole dating thing worked to begin with. I left high school with a chronic illness and a serious boyfriend that I thought I'd be with forever. And as most high school romances go it didn't last very long into college. I had to learn how to *shudders* meet new people. It's never been my strong suit. I was a cheerleader and a dancer growing up and my mom never understood how I was always in front of a crowd, had a loud mouth, but couldn't talk to someone right in front of me. I've never been much of a social butterfly, I live much more inside my head (or through pen and paper, or text lol). The beautiful thing about that is that I'm in that same boat as most other socially inept people my age and we've all joined the awkward world of online dating. You join and make a profile talking about yourself and your hobbies and try to sound interesting, even though lets be honest we spend about 85% of our time watching Netflix. You expect when you first join to have awkward dates and maybe meet some fun people but in my experience it's a lot of weeding out a lot of seriously creepy guys sending some seriously creepy messages. I've lost complete hope in meeting people this way. And it was kind of my only hope of meeting people outside of my friends trying to set me up with some guy that they met and haven't seen in some obscure amount of time but they swear he's normal and nice. Add onto all of this the added challenge of finding someone who isn't completely scared away the first time they see a snapchat of "chemo night" or "chemo recovery day sucks". Then as if by magic they disappear, never to be heard from again. No one in their 20s wants to deal with someone dealing with serious illness. Someone who has to force themselves out of bed some days. I've started to think lately that maybe it's selfish of me to want to ask someone to try to be with me. I want someone who loves the outdoors, who wants to travel, who thinks of life as an adventure. Only I would be where the adventure would stop. I can't go hiking and be in the sun all day like I want to. I'm not sure my body can handle the kind of travel I want to do. Why should I even look for someone who enjoys the same things in life as me when I may hold them back from ever living their life to the fullest.
Beyond all of this I don't know how to get myself back out there even if I truly wanted to. How do you get back out there when someone else already has your heart? And it just makes you feel foolish, because they don't feel the same way, and it's been over a year now. I should be able to just move on from it but I can't. No one else I try to talk to is good enough. They are boring, or annoying, or crazy, or selfish. I find something wrong with everyone. I know no one is perfect, but no one is him either. I'd rather keep some misguided hope instead but I know it's doing me no good. How do you truly love someone for the first time, have them not feel the same, and just move on and find some other nobody to be with?
Beyond all of this I don't know how to get myself back out there even if I truly wanted to. How do you get back out there when someone else already has your heart? And it just makes you feel foolish, because they don't feel the same way, and it's been over a year now. I should be able to just move on from it but I can't. No one else I try to talk to is good enough. They are boring, or annoying, or crazy, or selfish. I find something wrong with everyone. I know no one is perfect, but no one is him either. I'd rather keep some misguided hope instead but I know it's doing me no good. How do you truly love someone for the first time, have them not feel the same, and just move on and find some other nobody to be with?